The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fianc茅e by the way he hasn鈥檛 murdered her.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid馃槶馃槀
This headline is a thing of beauty
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I believe the plural is “milves.”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
the icebreaker
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.