Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*