Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
You Might Also Like
I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 a rebel, I鈥檓 just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
How do you get the farmer鈥檚 daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
This is me
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?馃馃ぃ
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald鈥檚 employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
For only 拢3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You鈥檒l receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”