I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
You Might Also Like
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat