My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
These work great until they don’t.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room