I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I have a new favorite meme page
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR