Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
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If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy