[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Usage Guidelines
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.