It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
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If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”