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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Proctology is located in A55
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it