hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Flowers bee like
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.