You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
This January has 47 Mondays
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
She puts the hot in psychotic
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
He’s dead
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Oh yeah that’s it
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*