I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
happy friday
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?