Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
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People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I’ve had worse
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.