I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs