The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Ironic
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket