“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.