damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
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cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
had to share :’)
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Livid.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish