I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
You Might Also Like
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Flock of bats
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”