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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.