Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.