[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
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[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do