A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
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So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
lmaaaaaooooooooo
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you