“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees