me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok