I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Woke up against my better judgement again