Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I didn’t come here to be called names
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores