Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
What flavor cupcake are these
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.