It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Two types of dogs.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard