*seductively eats two tums*
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.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?