Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
You Might Also Like
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.