There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended