GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
You Might Also Like
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?