My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I wanna be friends with this person
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?