My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Dear Lord..
me and my fake scenarios
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.