My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Plant care tips
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.