Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
You Might Also Like
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.