in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
You Might Also Like
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay