I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
🙂🙃🥹
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”