Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
You Might Also Like
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Lassie, get help!
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I hope google does well on my son’s test
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.