I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
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If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy