Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
You Might Also Like
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
There’s never enough good news
My daily affirmation
There is no “we” in pizza
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”