Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!