The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.