“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks