The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
God has left this place
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]