LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic