You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
You Might Also Like
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Go girl power!
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!