People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.