A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.